Thursday, April 30, 2009

Big, Hard and Single

Given the reality of who I am and the life I’ve lead so far, it’ll probably come as no surprise that it’s been a little difficult for me to date. In practical terms, my busy life as an actor has made it all but impossible. And now with what is certain to be a rise in the level of my fame--due to the release of my star turn in “One-Eyed Monster”--it may be difficult to date out of the public eye.

For a while I was dating people in the business. My relationship with Tina Yothers’ vagina lasted five years, but my growing fame eventually became an issue for her. We’re still friends, and I’m actually close with her new beau, Corey Haim’s cock, but lately I’ve been feeling pretty lonely and in need of genuine affection.

Hungry for some semblance of normalcy, I turned to the world of online dating, becoming a member of It seemed to have the biggest variety of pussy, and was less excluding than BJ-Date.

The problem for me, though, was the utter lack of originality in the profiles. Vagina after vagina would have the phrase “I love to laugh” in their profile. They’d often lie about how much hair they had, and I just generally couldn’t reconcile the disparity between what they wrote online and how they really were in person.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I’ve had an amazing life so far, and I think things are about to get even better. But listen—if you know someone, I’m open to the fix-up. What’s my type? I’m not really sure. I guess I’m just looking for someone sweet, open, and deep.
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