Friday, August 7, 2009

Military Hardware

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan — Baitullah Mehsud, the main leader of Pakistan’s fearsome Taliban militia, was killed Wednesday in a C.I.A.missile strike, two Taliban fighters said Friday, but a spokesman for Pakistan’s military, Maj. Gen. Athar Abbas, said he could not confirm reports of Mr. Mehsud’s death.

I think it's clear by now that I'm a cock-of-all-trades. And having been deep throated thousands of times, I've got a Spidey sense about the likelihood that certain conservative agents will "out" me like they did Valerie Plame. So I will do it myself.

For years I've been working with the CIA and the Pentagon in the global fight against terrorism. It's not exactly "by day it's the dick of a porn star, by night it's a weapon" (especially since many in the porn biz have described me as a weapon). It's not that regular a gig. Ron gets a call from an anonymous government liason with a time and a place. He jerks me off so that I'm temporarily disoriented when he detaches me and hands me over to two pretty operatives, who suck me back to life when we arrive at our destination.

I suppose there's a bit of "Emission Impossible" to it, as I'm given photos of target(s) and placed on a drone. Next thing I know I'm launched into the hot desert night. As a dick that's had to find targets in the dark for 40 years, I've got an internal guidance system to rival anything at Norad. Let's face it, I'm a heat seeker; I know where the bullseye is. So what you probably won't read in the stories about this or that eliminated Al Quaeda leader is that he was entered through one of his orifices.

How do I survive the impact and resulting spray of blood and viscera? Well, anyone's who's gotten head from Kathy Griffin can answer that. I'm not looking for any medals; it's enough to know I'm supporting the effort to take out some bad actors, as they say. I like to apply that term more loosely, so you better watch your step, Keanu. You terrorize us enough to be in play.
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