COCKMAN

Sorry about missing the last few days. I'm still recovering from the San Diego Comic-Con. I went down there to promote a new comic book that's being published by Dark Hung-Like-A-Horse Comics--COCKMAN! It's about a famously endowed porn star who battles sexual dysfunctions, hang-ups and bad technique in Valleyopolis. A host of arch criminals--Viagron, Dry Pussy, Early Worm and Harry Ass--force the reluctant COCKMAN into service, his only weapon 9 and 3/4" of fighting magic!

Anyway, Ron and I did a Q&A panel to a room packed with over 2000 people. It was really fun, and the best news is that Sony later approached the publisher (and us) about a movie adaptation! Apparently Stacey Snider, who runs the studio, loves giant cocks and will personally shepherd this project through development. Stacey threw out some casting ideas--Jackie Earle Haley as Early Worm, Richard Moll as Viagron and possibly Sally Field as Dry Pussy.

I know I've got a lot on my plate, folks--training to hit a major league fastball, running for Congress and now this, but I think I can stay hard for all these adventures. For I....am....COCKMAN!*



*COCKMAN and all COCKMAN-related properties ® Sony Pictures Entertainment. All rights reserved.

Deconstructing Hairy

Goddamn I am one hairy fuck. I'm not even talking about Ron's mane or his signature 'stache. I'm talking about me and the boys! Not to sound too Seinfeldian, but what's the deal with pubic hair? What evolutionary purpose does it serve? To keep me warm? I'm trapped in underpants all day with a pupik the size of an Earl Anthony special sheltering me from the elements. Or I'm inside of someone's warm, wet hole.

It can't be about appearance, because few things are less attractive than the black brillo brush that goes for the landscape of my surrounding acreage. I'm sure the ladies don't dig it. Hair traps dirt and cum, and there's always, always a strand that bolts from the pack to start a new life on their tongues, only to be denied such during a momentary pause in head.

Some say "It's beautiful because it's natural."

But Sherman Potter would say, "Horse hockey!" I mean feces is natural too, but you don't see chicks burying their faces in it, even for money (well, I've seen that, but Ron knows some strange characters). And it's not like he styles it or even brushes it. That black wad of steel wool just sits there, contributing zero to my work and obscuring the fullness of my glory. I wish the guy would just shave me clean. Guys in porn do it all the time! Peter North? Man-size balls, toddler smooth. Physicists would be hard pressed to measure a fraction of friction on that package. But RJ? I haven't seen his scrotum since 1964. And as he gets older, it's only going to get worse. That mound is gonna climb me like ivy and soon I'll only look about eight inches long. Oh, the humiliation!