Jeremy Land

The phone woke Ron up uncharacteristically early this morning, and the news isn’t good. They’ve scrapped plans to move forward with Jeremy Land, the proposed 600 million dollar theme park in Las Vegas, which was to be a shrine to his legend. The excuse they gave? Fucking economy! Please, I know for a fact that investors were lining up around the block to fund the park, so it’s clear to me that something else was at play. Word on the street is the NFC (Nevada Family Council) was launching a major boycott plan in response to several of the planned attractions, among which were:


Too Much Space Mountain—Thrill-seekers take a high-speed ride completely in the dark, through Nina Hartley’s vagina. Built to scale, the ride lasts 15 minutes from beginning to end, and that’s before it loops around.


Butt Pirates of the Caribbean—Pleasant family ride on water where boaters pass through different animatronic porn stars engaged in anal play. Unlike typical boat rides where patrons are splashed at the end of the ride, the dousing comes right at the beginning from loveable theme park mascot, Lubey the Lion, who grants riders access to the tunnel.


It’s A Small World—riders on this slow-speed ride are exposed to a collection of celebrity penises to demonstrate the enormous disparity between them, and the rod of Ron. Featured penis for Summer 2009—Max Von Sydow’s.


The Hedgehog 3-D Experience—An elaborate music video featuring Ron with Yo-Yo Ma and the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields.


The Tea Bag Ride—Thought at first to become an instant classic, male test-riders were disappointed to learn the ride was literally an exploration of the world’s finest teas, including Zhu Ye Qing Green Tea, Pearl Jasmine, and Premium Kuding.


Needless to say, Ronnie was pretty devastated. I could see the distraught look on his face between the fast strokes of his hand (the action Ron normally takes to get himself back to sleep.)

Drag Me Straight To DVD

I’m feeling a little defensive today on behalf of “One-Eyed Monster”, my current film. Don’t get me wrong, it’s doing very well! The buzz has been tremendous, and it’s definitely developing the following I’d always hoped it would.

But I’ve been reading some of the reviews, and while most are positive, several of them have become quite fond of the phrase “Straight to DVD.”

As a pure fact, they are correct. This film was released on DVD; in other words, not in theaters first. But my gripe has to do with them using the phrase pejoratively. As in—“Not good enough to be released theatrically.”

What many outside the industry fail to understand is that it costs a lot of money to release a movie theatrically, and “One-Eyed Monster” is a low-budget indie. So producers often have to way the financial risks of spending a lot to promote a movie that’s commercially risky, even if it’s a good film. Did you know that “Slumdog Millionaire” was almost a straight-to-dvd movie, rescued only at the last minute by Fox Searchlight? True fact.

Word on the street is that “One-Eyed Monster” may someday become a theatrical midnight movie staple. In the meantime, check it out on Amazon, or put it on your Netflix queue, and I think you’ll have a lot of fun. You heard it straight from the dick’s hole.

By the way, this is not to say that there aren’t movies out there released straight to DVD that totally suck. Many of them do. To wit, here are three of my favorites:

“Beating Meridith” (1989) Playing herself in what should have been a tour de force performance, Meridith Baxter is severely beaten six times in the course of the three and half hour film. No explanation is ever given.


“No Reservations 2” (2009) Word is that two executives at Castlerock were fired for incomprehensibly greenlighting this obscure sequel, considering the first “No Reservations” was seen by no one. That’s not an exaggeration, by the way. Boxofficemojo.com shows the box office gross at exactly $9.00, and that’s only because a man in Michigan was not allowed to have his money returned when he walked out during the opening credits.


“Where Am I?”—(1977) It has now attained cult status, but back then, the only film directed by a barely-functioning retarded man was considered too risky to put in theaters. The script on which it’s based “Meant For Each Other”, follows the story of a divorced couple attempting a second chance, but the director kept the camera aimed at his own shoes for 90 percent of the movie. Also, the dialogue is barely recognizable, since mostly what you hear is the sound of the director’s voice repeating the same phrase endlessly, which ultimately became the film’s new title.