Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Being Ron Jeremy's dick has advantages, of course. I've been fucked and sucked more than even the most wildly promiscuous gay man--and by women who, more often than not, populate the fantasies of just about every straight man alive. Big-titted babes of every stripe and size; (if you know the tune, sing along...) white chicks, black chicks, chicks with golden locks; thin chicks, fat chicks, even chicks with chicken pox. The chicks guys love to eeeaat! So to complain about my life might come across as a tad ungrateful.
But it's my part and I'll cry if I want to.
I lost out for the role of the penis in the new HBO series "Hung," which debuts next week. It's called "Hung" for god's sake. And I didn't get the part! The director said he loved my audition (I'm well known in casting circles for my mono log), but that I was simply too recognized as Ron Jeremy's cock. Now I know how Sherman Hemsley felt when he went up for the part of Forrest Gump. The roles that gave us so much success came with a price. Don't get me wrong, I loved starring in "One-Eyed Monster." I really stretched, both as an actor and as a dick. But HBO, man! A regular gig on a network that isn't shy about showing a guy's cock in the service of story! It's not tv, it's HB Oh, fuck, that is one magnificent piece of pipe! This would have been my Tony Soprano.
I just read that Ed McMahon died. Very sad. Not about him, per se; he lived a long life with fame and success. But it made me think about Ron. Like Ed, Ron is basically my goofy sidekick, who would have quietly faded into Hollywood obscurity if not for his long association with me. Like Ed, Ron has spent a career announcing me to millions. They both had their reality shows--Ed with "Star Search," and Ron "The Surreal Life." Ah, shit, now I feel really stupid for complaining about being tethered to RJ. He's not holding me back. He's a part of me. A big part. Though Ron's pupik (nice fella, we both hang out a lot) might beg to differ, Ron and I are the biggest parts of each other. Eh, Thomas Jane can have his "Hung." When he can fuck for ten hours straight, toggling between pussy, mouth and ass and making thirty women cum in the bargain, then let's talk. To you, Ed! You're back with your old partner, so may you sit happily on his heavenly couch, laughing at his jokes for all eternity. Allow me the honor of announcing to Heaven, "Heeeeeeere's Ed!"