I want to thank everyone who’s already pledged their support for me after I announced my candidacy for the United States Congress. A special shout out to Fred Shimmel of Canton, Ohio who suggested the campaign slogans, “Cock We Can Believe In”, and “Putting America First, Right After A Solid Ass-Fucking”
As I stated yesterday, I’m going for Diane Watson’s seat—she represents the 33rd district of California. So it didn’t surprise me to receive a phone call from her yesterday afternoon. Following is a transcript of that call:
ME: Hello?
SECRETARY: I have Representative Diane Watson calling for Ron Jeremy’s dick?
(I always chuckle when a secretary phrases it like that. I wanted to give my stock “get in line, Sister” answer, but I tried to remain respectful, considering the caller.)
ME: Speaking.
SECRETARY: One moment please.
DIANE: Well, I think a congratulations is in order? I understand you’ve decided to run for congress?
ME: Representative Watson, it is an honor to speak with you.
DIANE: The honor is all mine, sir. I’m a longtime fan.
ME: Thank you, I really app---excuse me, did you say you were a longtime fan?
DIANE: Yes, that’s right.
ME: You mean of Ron?
DIANE: Are you his dick?
ME: Yes ma’am.
DIANE: Like I said, longtime fan. You were brilliantly menacing in “One-Eyed Monster”, and I loved your work in “Angels and Semen.”
ME: Wow, I’m blown away that you even SAW that, since it was only released in Kenya.
DIANE: I serve on the subcommittee for Africa and Global Health, so I’ve travelled to Kenya many times .
ME: I must say, Representative Watson, you’ve really disarmed me here. Kinda making it a little difficult to want to take your seat.
DIANE: Competition is what makes this country thrive, sir. I welcome the challenge from such a venerable opponent, and look forward to debating the issues with someone of your stature and prowess.
ME: I—I don’t know what to say…maybe…maybe…I won’t run? You’re doing such a great job for the district.
DIANE: Oh, you’re too kind. I do apologize, but I need to end our delightful talk. Please give my best to Ron, and whatever pussy you’re sleeping in tonight.
END OF CALL
MAN, she’s good! Um, now what do I do?
