Thursday, July 2, 2009

Little Ditty, 'Bout Dick and Diane

I want to thank everyone who’s already pledged their support for me after I announced my candidacy for the United States Congress. A special shout out to Fred Shimmel of Canton, Ohio who suggested the campaign slogans, “Cock We Can Believe In”, and “Putting America First, Right After A Solid Ass-Fucking”

As I stated yesterday, I’m going for Diane Watson’s seat—she represents the 33rd district of California. So it didn’t surprise me to receive a phone call from her yesterday afternoon. Following is a transcript of that call:

ME: Hello?

SECRETARY: I have Representative Diane Watson calling for Ron Jeremy’s dick?

(I always chuckle when a secretary phrases it like that. I wanted to give my stock “get in line, Sister” answer, but I tried to remain respectful, considering the caller.)

ME: Speaking.

SECRETARY: One moment please.

DIANE: Well, I think a congratulations is in order? I understand you’ve decided to run for congress?

ME: Representative Watson, it is an honor to speak with you.

DIANE: The honor is all mine, sir. I’m a longtime fan.

ME: Thank you, I really app---excuse me, did you say you were a longtime fan?

DIANE: Yes, that’s right.

ME: You mean of Ron?

DIANE: Are you his dick?

ME: Yes ma’am.

DIANE: Like I said, longtime fan. You were brilliantly menacing in “One-Eyed Monster”, and I loved your work in “Angels and Semen.”

ME: Wow, I’m blown away that you even SAW that, since it was only released in Kenya.

DIANE: I serve on the subcommittee for Africa and Global Health, so I’ve travelled to Kenya many times .

ME: I must say, Representative Watson, you’ve really disarmed me here. Kinda making it a little difficult to want to take your seat.

DIANE: Competition is what makes this country thrive, sir. I welcome the challenge from such a venerable opponent, and look forward to debating the issues with someone of your stature and prowess.

ME: I—I don’t know what to say…maybe…maybe…I won’t run? You’re doing such a great job for the district.

DIANE: Oh, you’re too kind. I do apologize, but I need to end our delightful talk. Please give my best to Ron, and whatever pussy you’re sleeping in tonight.


MAN, she’s good! Um, now what do I do?
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