American One-Eyedol

I often get asked what I think about during my down time. Well, I’ve got hopes and dreams like any of you. But I’m also a realist. To wit, despite the fact that I’m a pretty good singer, I know that I’ll never be on American Idol. Obama’s our President, yes, but this is still a very conservative country and I’m fairly certain it’s not ready for the singing schmeckle.

But that hasn’t stopped me from dreaming. I often play out what it might be like to appear on the show. While Ron is busy doing phone interviews or lunching at some café, I’m mulling over my song choices and wondering how big of a part I’d have in the Ford music video.

And then, there’s the judging of my song, which I imagine might go like this:

RANDY: Yo yo yo…check it out. Check it out. You know something, dick dog? You worked it out, man. You worked it out. Yeah!

KARA: You are a true artist. You have really come into your own. The runs were perfect, I felt a connection between you and the lyrics, and you stayed hard the entire time. I think it was your best performance so far.


PAULA: First of all, you look very handsome tonight. I noticed you trimmed your ball hair, and I think the ladies probably noticed that as well. (Wooo’s from the audience). You are an absolute delight to watch. You fill my heart with such joy and your passion is infectious. Keep reaching higher and higher, and there’s no telling where you can go. Bravo.


SIMON: If I’m being completely honest, I thought it was completely forgettable. (Audience starts booing.) And I’m gonna say something tonight because I think it’s appropriate—if you weren’t a giant phallus, I honestly think you’d be going home tomorrow.


RYAN: I’m having trouble right now telling who’s the prick here tonight.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

So long.