Fame, lets me loose, hard to swallow

I'm not like any other movie star, and I don't say that because I'm a giant juice rod. I've always liked to do my work and leave the publicity to RJ. But things have changed. I recently went on Twitter and the story broke yesterday. I'm only part of a human, so yeah, I waited by the phone. Never rang. You know, I've been in the movie business over 30 years. I think my time has...arrived. My new movie isn't getting the black plastic bag treatment this time. It'll be on store shelves next to Henry Winkler's "The One and Only." So where is the Variety head shot ("Ron Jeremy Goes Mainstream with His Biggest Part")? This is my moment, so this time I want to be in People, Newsweek and EW--not PeePole, Oozeweek and EWWW.

Now I wasn't circumcised yesterday, I know cocks don't usually make the cover of mainstream magazines. But paper rags are fast disappearing, and this would certainly be the kind of naughty cover that makes news. Yeah, I've learned a few things from RJ over the years. He's smarter than most of you think. Can you name any other actor whose penis is the subject of a press release (besides John Bobbitt and Wink Martindale)? I'm obviously very attached to Ron, but this movie is named after my character, not his. So if any paparazzi feel like waiting for me outside a restaurant, I won't be offended.

How about those Cavs? I think it's their year, and not just because I identify (I depend on Ron, they depend on Leb-ron; we both score by putting it through a hoop; and whenever I had trouble achieving wood, my mantra was always "Gotta make it happen!"). No, it's simply their time. And mine.

So long.