Monday, April 27, 2009

Raging Hard-On

Just before the premiere of his film “One-Eyed Monster,” Ron Jeremy’s dick is sitting in its dressing room staring at the mirror. It’s smoking a cigar and moves into a monologue:

Ron’s Dick: Some people aren’t that lucky… like the one I played in “Ronny Bought Her Cunt,” a down-and-outer. Remember the scene in the car with my balls? It went like this:

It wasn’t him, balls. It was you. Remember that night you said, “Kid, this ain’t your night. “Holmes, Gillis, Leslie and Pacheco are going for a double vaginal, double anal on Hartley”. “This ain’t your night.” My night. I could’ve taken Hartley apart. So what happens? They get to blow their load on her back. I get a one-way ticket to Palookaville. I was no good after that, balls. You reach a peak, then it’s all reality shows. It was you, balls. You was my balls. You should’ve looked out for me just a little bit. You should’ve taken care of me… instead of making Ron suck his own dick for short-end money. You don’t understand. I could’ve had class. I could’ve been a contender. I could’ve been somebody instead of a bum. Let’s face it. It was you, balls. It was you.

(Enter the box office manager)

Manager: How you doin’, champ? Everything OK?

Ron’s Dick: Yeah.

Manager: Wood?

Ron’s Dick: Five minutes.

Manager: OK. Need anything?

Ron’s Dick: No.

Manager: You sure?

Ron’s Dick: I’m sure. Lot of people out there?

Manager: It’s crowded.
(Exit manager)

Ron’s Dick: Go get ‘em, champ. I’m the boss. I’m the boss. I’m the boss. I’m the boss.

Ron’s dick gets bigger as he leaves for the red carpet. The screen fades to black. The following text appears before the credits roll:

So, for the second time, the Pharisees
summoned the woman who had been blind and said:
“Speak the truth before God.
We know Ron Jeremy’s dick is a monster.”
“Whether or not it’s a monster, I do not know,”
The woman replied.
“All I know is this:
Once I was blind and now I can see.”
- John (Holmes) IX, 24-26
the New English Bible
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