Friday, July 10, 2009

Dear Ron Jeremy's Dick

It’s Friday Mail Day! About a third of the letters I receive are from folks asking for advice. I usually respond privately, but I thought this one warranted wider exposure. Have a great weekend everyone.

Dear Ron Jeremy’s Dick,

Ever since I was 12 and accidentally saw my sister performing songs from “The Little Mermaid” in her underwear, I have been a premature ejaculator. I’m 32 now and it’s still affecting my relationships. I have what’s known as PE-Extreme. Two nights ago, my girlfriend asked if I wanted to have sex, and I came in the middle of the word “have”. I’ve read all of the standard techniques, but nothing works. So I’m turning to you. Any advice?


Big and Burly, But Much Too Early

Dear Big and Burly,

First, I hope you find comfort knowing that a third of the male population suffers from PE. But they don’t have to. As you can imagine, this hasn’t really been an issue for Ron, but here are a couple of a tried and true methods that he has used over the years in difficult times.

1. Use “Speed”. No, I’m talking about going faster. I’m referring to the 1994 thriller starring Keanu Reeves. So while you’re having sex, pretend that a bomb has been planted in your partners vagina, set to go off if sperm activates it. The only danger here is if this leads you to start obsessively thinking about Sandra Bullock, when she was arguably at her cutest.

2. I’m well aware that men try to think of awful things (their taxes, puppies being killed, cancelling “Arrested Development”). These images are good, but often not extreme enough. Solution: The Holocaust. Now, I’m not suggesting you go as far as to conjure up awful images. I recommend one step removed, and thrust your body to the theme from “Schindler’s List”. It sounds odd, but the languid eighth-note pattern of the solo violin times very well with a coitus stroke, and the music will be enough to tell your brain: “Hey, if you come now, that is HIGHLY inappropriate.”

3. Justify it. This technique should never be used by the prose-challenged. For it to work, you have to be Lloyd Dobbler times 10, overflowing with words. Essentially, you act as though it was absolutely your intention to reach orgasm this fast. You can say you’re training for a new Olympic sport, or that you’ve beaten a Guinness record and you’ll both be receiving cash, or that she’s the only girl with the power to do that to you and now you want kids with her, or that now you can spend more time talking about her feelings and candles. Just keep it positive and keep it flowing, until you’ve talked through your refractory period and can enter her again. Repeat as necessary.


Ron Jeremy's Dick
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