Friday, July 31, 2009

Ron in Real Life

It's Friday advice day, so let's get started!

Dear RJ’S D—

My buddy Phil thinks all orgasms are the same, but I keep telling him there are different kinds. So I thought I’d turn to the master.

C. Feldman, Winnetka, IL

Hello, C!

You can tell your buddy Phil he couldn’t be more misinformed. Ron, through me, has experienced about 700 different types of orgasms, including one that’s illegal in Brazil, and one that can only be measured by a Geiger counter. But in the interest of saving blog space, I’ll mention three specific kinds. (1) The Pressure Cooker. Most of you guys have probably experienced this one. Through sheer will power, you delay the orgasm as long as you can, so by the time it’s ready to shoot, the force is extremely powerful. If you’re masturbating, you can hit the ceiling. If you’re being blown, you can make a tiny dent in the back of her throat, and if you’re fucking, your sperm can blow past the eggs and stick to her ribs. (2) The Broken Sprinkler. This is a disappointing one: before you even start to feel those fantastic contractions, a shower of semen with a very thin consistency just starts pouring out. All of the fluid with none of the fun. (3) The Bloop Gasm. Possbily the worst kind of orgasm a man can experience. It typically only occurs during masturbation. You’re working on yourself for a long time; the payoff is ZERO contractions, and a tiny mushroom cloud of semen that bubbles up to the surface as though the other sperm decided not to come and elected a few guys to come out.

Dear RJ’s D,

I’m about to break up with my girlfriend because she’s a die-hard vegetarian and it really limits our dining experiences and ability to share food. Any advice on how to do this without hurting her feelings?

J. Fedorko, Boston MA

Dear J,

Just tell her, “It’s not you, it’s meat.”


Have a great weekend everyone! And check out my movie "One-Eyed Monster" tonight on TMC!
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