Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Other Washington Monument

I'm sorry, but you're lying if you haven't wondered how big Obama's dick is. I won't even hide behind "professional curiosity" as an excuse. He's my President, which alone makes his dick a matter of interest (and it's rather amazing that in all the coverage of Clinton's dick's comings and goings, there was no mention of its size, even from people "who prefer to remain anonymous when discussing the President's cock"). And then when you consider the fact that he's half black...let's just say the odds in Vegas go up that we're not talking about talking about a Jimmy Carter peanut. Dubya had a big dick, but only on his ticket. Nixon was known as Tricky Dick, prompting theories as to what other gates he may have broken into. Before him, well, the guy's name was, after all, Johnson. It's safe to assume he had a stretch of Texas pipe. Kennedy didn't have to have a big dick; he was young, good-looking, charismatic and the most powerful man in the world. If he did have one, then perhaps his death was some kind of cosmic payback for being just too fucking cool.

I haven't given much thought to earlier Presidents. I won't infer anything about the size of their cocks from the names Filmore and Pierce, but I do suspect William Henry Harrison's nickname had less to do with the Battle of Tippecanoe than his dong.

Obama, though. Take a look at the above picture. Halway down his left thigh, there is a discernible bulge. I kinda doubt he was carrying keys or a phone. No, my friends, I think what we're seeing here from our post-racial, post-partisan President is, in fact, his post. In ice cream parlors, it would be called "Michelle's Delight." In Chicago it's known as Oak Street. In Hawaii it's called The Big Island. And in Africa, of course, it's called, simply, a penis. God bless America, yes. But God clearly blessed Barack Obama, and if in him our country's black citizens see a personal hero whose achievement represents the promise of America and the triumph of the civil rights movement, then I see in his dick the 21st century's first true executive branch.
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