Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Suck My Junket

Last Friday Paris Hilton appeared in a Miami federal court as the defendant in an $8.3M lawsuit brought by the producers of her movie "Pledge This!" She's charged with violating her contract by refusing to help promote the 2006 film, which is about a bunch of sorority girls who fuck cans of Lemon Pledge. If you ask me, I think this whole lawsuit is a last-ditch effort to get publicity for the movie, now on DVD. I haven't seen the film, but I'd bet three of my own inches it's a piece of shit. Not that the quality of the movie affects her contractual obligations. She defended herself on the stand and said, ""If I have my name attached to something, I want it to be as big as it can be." I believe her, and I have a picture of her signing my shaft to prove it.

No such suit will ever be brought against me for "One-Eyed Monster." I have worked my balls off promoting that movie. I did over 300 drive-time "phoners" via a Clear Channel satellite junket, 80 online magazine interviews and presented an award for biggest cock-tease at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards (it went to the Jonas Brothers, for whom I provided my own personal slime). I did Regis and Kelly (well, I talked to Regis, but I did Kelly), and I went on The View (boy, that was a disaster--they wanted to see me fully extended, but sitting next to Joy Behar I could not get a boner to save my life). Promoting a movie is simply part of a star's job, and I met my obligations with enthusiasm and professionalism. Paris lives for publicity, so the fact that she didn't help promote "Pledge This!" is all the more ridiculous. What a nice reflection on her.
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