Friday, May 22, 2009

Dick's In The Mail

It’s Friday, which means READER MAIL! Fans have been writing me with questions and I thought I’d use today’s blog to answer some of the most frequently asked questions.

1. Hello, Ron Jeremy’s Dick…long time fan, and I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog. Something I’ve always wanted to know….do you ever get sick?

--R. Moses, Charlotte NC

Great question, R. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve been sick a day in my life. That is to say, nothing internally wrong with me. Any maladies I’ve suffered have been external ones. A few years back, I developed a red blotch that really freaked Ron out. I was never worried—Ron eats a lot of fried food, so I knew it was just a pimple, but that was around the time Ron slept with Margot Kidder*, so he wasn’t sure.

2. What did you think of the American Idol results? Personally, I’m pissed as hell that Kris beat Adam.

S. Snow, Walled Lake, MI

Hi S. In hindsight, I actually see now that Adam could never have won. He was certainly the critics’ darling—and my personal favorite—but I now understand that middle America never felt comfortable with him, whereas Kris fits perfectly into the mold of a VH1, soft-rock star. There’s a rampant rumor that 38 million of the 100 million came from Kris’ hometown of Arkansas. Whatever. They’re both gonna be fine, Simon Cowell’s gonna make a ton more dough, and I’m gonna tap a myriad of muff. All is right with the world.

3. I’m a little confused. You talk about being a part of Ron, and yet I’ve seen pictures of you when you’re detached. I realize that’s the premise of “One-Eyed Monster”, but how are you able to detach in real life?

R. Simmons, San Diago, CA

Well, R., this is probably the most common question I get asked. I can’t really go into the actual physics of the process, but suffice it to say, it’s more complicated than any mindfuck Stephen Hawking could engender. The first time it happened was when Ron turned 13. He was in the gym changing, and the kids were making fun of how enormous I was. Jealous, of course, but at that age, Ron just felt ashamed. Back home, he knelt down and prayed: “I wish I wasn’t burdened with this monster.”

And like that, it happened. Proof of God? Maybe. But that night, I got my first taste of freedom. I didn’t do anything that spectacular. I simply went to the 7-11 and bought some gum. But the feeling of independence was incredible.

I felt strange, though, without Ron, and he without me. We made a pact that night to separate only when it was mutually beneficial. I have a lot more to say on this subject, but I thought I’d at least make a dent in the subject.

Happy Memorial Day everyone! So long.

*Just got a call from my lawyer who advised me to make it clear that Ron never slept with Margot Kidder, nor do I have any first-hand knowledge that she’s in possession of an STD. My memory may be faulty. What I know for sure is that Ron often sings the “Superman” theme when he first reveals me to women, so maybe I got confused.
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