Friday, May 1, 2009

Justice Is One-Eyed

I read that U.S. Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced his retirement. I'm sure speculation in Washington is rampant as to whom Obama will nominate to replace him. May I suggest an unlikely but entirely viable candidate?


Yeah, that's right. I want to sit on the U.S. Supreme Court. I don't think there are any restrictions on who can serve, as long as he or she has a law degree. I can get a law degree in two days; Ron has friends with connections. What would I have to do--listen to people argue and defend? Ask questions to trip them up? Make up my mind and then have my law clerks write it up? I don't see what the big deal is.

But I do see the value in preventing the inevitably endless nomination/confirmation merry-go-round. And I can provide that because I'm not conservative or liberal. I'm a Pubertarian. I believe in a woman's right to shave her thatch. I support cum control and no cock left in someone's behind. We need to reduce our dependence on Viagra and fund clean hole technology. Constitutionally, I'm a strict cunt-structionist. I want erection reform. I'm for creating or saving 3 million blowjobs within the next four years. I could go on and on, but ultimately, I think having a dick on the bench (besides Scalia) is good for America. If justice is blind, I clearly come a lot closer to that than all the two-eyed judges.

Mr. President, I submit my candidacy for the job. Sometimes I hang left, sometimes I hang right. But one thing is clear: the constitution is vulnerable to gross misinterpretation. Let me be the judge of that.
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