Friday, May 29, 2009

I'm All Mail, Baby!

Hi folks! Happy Friday, and let’s get right to it: reader mail!

Dear RJ’s D,

Have you ever needed to be erect, but couldn’t be?

D. Weiss, Fairfax VA

Hi D,

Well, I’ve pledged from the beginning that I’d be honest with you guys, so yes—it happened exactly one time in my entire life. Thankfully, it didn’t occur on set, and it’s well-documented that Ron has never needed or used Viagra.

But in 1982, Ron was on the road promoting a new nightclub in Florida. He ended up hooking up with the owner’s daughter, Denise, and the two of them went back to her place. Mere moments before Ron was set to violate her, he could not for the life of him get the image of Linda Hunt out of his head. Earlier in the week, he’d seen “The Year of Living Dangerously”, and while Ron admired Hunt’s performance, he simply concluded this was one woman he would never want to fuck. But now here she was, firmly entrenched in his mind, and despite Denise’s best efforts, I did not rise to the occasion.

Hello RJ’s D, I love the blog, and those pics you post on Twitter are hilarious. Are you available to hire for private parties?

S. Arnold, Beachwood, OH

Hi, S, thanks for the nice words. You know, I used to do tons of private events--mostly bachelorette parties and club openings. The reason I don’t do them anymore is because of the 2003 scandal you may have read about. I was contracted to attend a bar mitzvah. Normally, I don’t do religious events, but the boy’s father was an old poker buddy, and I did it mostly as a favor. I was told by the boy that I would come up and do an aliyah—that’s a special prayer that friends and members of the family do in honor of the bar mitzvah boy. But when I got up on the bima, the boy grabbed me and began to recite his torah portion, using me as the Yad to scroll through the text. Next thing I know, his grandmother is having a heart attack in the front row, and pandemonium ensued. The one bright spot is that I picked up a few new Hebrew words.
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