Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Appropriate Response

Turns out the letter I reprinted yesterday was a copy, and the original was actually sent to Johnson & Johnson. Following is their response.

September 23, 1953

Dear Mrs. Hyatt,

Thank you so much for your letter! Your comments and helpful suggestions are what continue to make us a better company, and they are truly appreciated. As you know, we are dedicated to serving the public trust, and it is our highest priority to provide healing and comfort, while maintaining a product line that is both safe and affordable. So again, thank you very much. Now, to your specific matter at hand.

Your son has a huge fucking cock. There’s just no other way to put it. Mrs. Hyatt—it’s a big honking, Jesus-loving baby cock. Do you not see this? I’m the president of consumer affairs here at Johnson and Johnson, and I only have one more inch on your 4 month old. Do you not see how demeaning your letter was? I told my wife about it and she’s filing for divorce.

But I digress. That’s not really your problem, is it?

We could spend 20 years in product development trying to create a diaper that would accommodate your son, and probably never achieve results. So yes, cloth is probably the answer for now.

In the meantime, my suggestion is to embrace this circumstance. My team here at J&J has discussed this (for hours already—it’s hard to get work done) and we think your son has a bright future ahead of him. Some of us believe he’s headed straight to the Supreme Court. Others think he could have a future in medicine.

And while it’s definitely the most challenging career, we also believe that if he worked hard enough, he might find success in the adult film industry.

Regardless, please accept our heartiest congratulations, and if you wouldn’t mind, we’d love to see a photo of your baby! Preferably one without the diaper (so we can try to figure out if there’s a diaper that might work for him, of course.)

Yours truly,

Reginald Clybourn
President of Consumer Affairs
Johnson & Johnson
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