Thursday, June 4, 2009

Sit on My Facebook

I am done with Facebook.

To be honest, I don’t even know why I signed up in the first place. I mean, RON isn’t even on the site. I guess I’m just afraid being left out of the cultural zeitgeist, and so I have to at least try everything.

So I signed up.

Next thing I know, I’m getting friend requests from old high school classmates that I was never friends with! Wait—you’re confused, I can tell. Yes, I went to school separate from Ron. I realized very early on that Ron was doing most of his thinking through me, so I did everything I could to be educated scholastically, and street-smart—all so Ronnie wouldn’t do anything too stupid.

Back to Facebook. There’s a reason I wasn’t friends with you in high school. You’re boring as shit! 20 or 30 years hasn’t changed that. And don’t get me started on the applications. I don’t give a flying fuck how you scored on the WHICH CHARACTER ARE YOU IN “SCHINDLER’S LIST?” quiz.

Mostly, people just want to see my pics and what became of me. In high school, I was voted “Most Likely To Spreadceed.”

But the worst—I mean the WORST thing about it is the status report feature.

“Cindy Fein is watching 30 Rock”—Don’t care.

“Marla Cotner is stuffed after a delicious meal at Applebys”—Please die.

“Frank Simmons is raping a cat.”—Boring!

So I’m done. But my movie is not, and at the risk of obvious bias—the “One-Eyed Monster” fan page is cool, and frequently updated. Hell, my tweets end up there.

I know what your thinking. “Why Ron Jeremy’s Dick—you opportunistic fuck!” Yeah, well screw you! There isn’t anything I won’t do to promote this film. To wit, I took the WHICH CHARACTER ARE YOU IN “ONE-EYED MONSTER?” quiz.

I was The Dick.
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