Monday, June 15, 2009


Imagine the hottest, wettest ride into Cristy Canyon fur trap while Samantha Fox is tonguing your asshole. That's how excited I am to pick up my new iphone on Friday. Ron still uses his Nokia piece of shit, and maybe it's because I'm just a giant worm, but I'm all about Apple. These days, budding entrepreneurs aren't racking their brains for the next big dot com business; they're inventing apps for the iphone. Here are a few of my ideas:

Full-length pictures of celebrities appear and you can draw a big dick between their legs. This week's featured star--Chastity Bono.

Blow By Blow
Find out who is sucking me at any given moment of the day. If I'm not getting blown, you see a little hand, pussy or ass icon.
If I'm not getting any action at all, you watch an episode of "Green Acres."

Upload a video of yourself fucking. At the end of the day, a panel consisting of me, Ron and Jim Belushi offer critiques of the best three submissions and then viewers can text votes for their favorite. If you don't make the final three, your video gets riffed on by the MST3K guys and posted to the main page on

Measure Up
Slap your big buddy against the glass and see where you land. The interface is a simple ruler. If you need more than one screen (and I hope for your sake you do), hitting the "whew" button adds the new inches to the total from the first screen. A photo of Jenna Jamison in suck posture is superimposed over the ruler to help you find your potential. If you need it, Dustin Diamond also available.

Mahzel Love
Learn your Jewish pornstar name. Example: Frank Hanna turns into "Kosher Frank Hanucock"
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