I get a lot of inquiries about “Phallus!”, the musical I wrote and starred in back in 1988. Told as a "Beauty and the Beast"-type fable, it was a critical darling but a box office flop, closing after a sold-out dress rehearsal. Here’s the well-known song “My Love, My Heart”, when my character, Dick, finally comes out of the shadows to reveal himself to his true love, Anne.
ANNE
My heart cannot contain this feeling that I feel.
I need to see you now, to know that you are real.
A love like ours is like no other that I know.
Reveal yourself and let your inhibitions go.
My love. My heart. My Dick.
DICK
Oh Anne I fear that when you see me you will leave.
And if it happens that’s a loss I cannot grieve.
A love like ours is like a rainbow in the sky.
So many colors, so much beauty, I could die.
My love. My heart. My Anne.
ANNE
Come out now from the darkness.
And show yourself to me.
DICK
I’m vulnerable and stark, miss.
Prepare your eyes to see!
Dick finally reveals himself to Anne.
ANNE
Good Christ, sir, you’re enormous.
A ten-inch tower of love.
DICK
A quarter of an inch less
But ten when I’m with glove.
ANNE/DICK
I’m sure that you’re the one for me.
And I’m the one for you.
DICK
Your eyes.
Your laugh.
ANNE
Your balls
Your shaft.
DICK
You penetrate my soul.
ANNE
And you my hoo-hoo hole.
DICK
Yes, you’re the one for me, miss.
ANNE
I want no other penis.
ANNE/DICK
My love. My heart. My all!
