Friday, June 26, 2009


They say you always remember where you were when really famous people die. I’m not sure that will be the case with Michael Jackson. That’s because I was inside Sunny Lane’s snatch, and I’ve been there hundreds of times. Ron was filming a scene for the upcoming “Night at the Museum: Fuck My Ass”, when a PA blurted out that the King of Pop was dead. Out of respect, Ron pulled out, but the timing of that action made it look like I was doing a spit take. I wasn’t of course, and those weren’t tears streaming down Sunny’s face.

But yeah, I’m sad today. For all his troubles, both financial and social, we lost an entertainment giant. So as a tribute, I dug up a song of his to which I rewrote lyrics. In the mid-80’s, I was hired by junior high schools around the country to promote abstinence to young boys, and I decided the best way to reach them was through contemporary music.

I know you boys are having feelings down there.
It’s always changing sizes and it’s growing hair.
So take it from a dick who has been ‘bout everywhere
And beat it, just beat it.

And now your face is getting covered with zits.
And girls in your class are getting bigger tits.
You wanna stick it in, just to see if it fits,
So beat it, but you wanna be bad

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
Guys, you really must concede it.
Now’s not the time to be getting laid.
Just wait ‘til college—pussy in spades.
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it

So long, Michael.
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