Monday, June 29, 2009

To Live and Die in LA

Fred Travalena just died. I know the guy was a professional imitator, but Jeez! Did he really think the headlines would follow him?

Still, being a celebrity, I can't help but take in the daily coverage of Michael Jackson's premature and tragic death without wondering (as Fred must have) how my own death will be covered by the media (Fred would be in for a rude awakening if he ever woke up again). Obviously when Ron dies, I die; but I could be functionally dead long before Ron kicks, as happens to many old men and prostate cancer victims. Will TMZ get the scoop, having paid off someone at Ron's urologist's office? Will fans begin collecting around Ginger Lynn's mouth so as to feel nearer to me?

I want all that and more. Hell, I had as much influence on contemporary pornography as MJ had on contemporary music. We were both big when we were young. I've performed as much as he has, and while I may not be able to moon walk, I doubt he was able to stay hard for hours and hours, at least in the presence of someone over 9. He made one Thriller. I made over 2000.

Don't get me wrong--I don't object to the rabid adulation he's received since dying. He was a major talent and pop icon. But I'm a major talent and pipe icon, and I'm just arguing for my due when it's my turn. What will be my third-legacy? For one thing, I hope that, like MJ's body of work, "One-Eyed Monster" shoots to the #1 spot on Amazon and Itunes in the days following my death. I have to admit, I've been very disappointed in sales of the DVD. I really thought this movie would take off--even while acknowledging it's not for all tastes. But I'm not bitter. I believe in moving on. Michael Jackson, on the other hand, was famously against maturity; he wanted to flit around and stay young like Peter Pan. But take it from Peter Pan Am--flying is meaningless unless you actually go somewhere. Case in point, in 45 minutes I'm going inside a vagina. To my knowledge, Michael's been there only once, and it was a one-way trip.

Michael and I have given a lot of pleasure to a lot of people We're two of a kind: the rock star and the cock star...the most important member of the Jackson 5 and most important member of Ron Jeremy....the prodigy and the prodigious...he was planning a comeback next month and I was planning to cum on someone's back next Friday.

Except for this: Billie Jean was not his lover, but the odds are pretty good she was mine.
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