Tuesday, June 30, 2009

On Golden Ponzi

The world knows about Ron’s brilliant abilities in the bedroom, but few are aware that he is somewhat of a financial wunderkind. How else could a guy with only porn, some mainstream cameos, and a hot sauce line to his name be living such a comfortable life? Answer: great investments over the years.

Me—I have not been so lucky. After being left a sizable trust fund by Ron’s grandfather’s dick, Hyatt P. Niss, I made a series of terrible investments over the years. In 1978, I sunk a ton of money into Dontcum Industries. They had just been awarded FDA approval on Controldaseed, a medication used to prevent premature ejaculation. Apparently, it was supposed to intercept some key neurons just before the “point of no return”, and trick the user into thinking he was making love to a squirrel. It was almost immediately recalled after 10 users in Boston test group contracted rabies.

But the worst of all possible investments came just a few years ago. Yes, readers, I was a victim of Bernard Madoff’s unconscionable swindling. I lost everything, and like many of his victims, I hope the man rots in hell. I can’t say I wasn’t warned. Ron was certain that Maddof’s returns were too good to be true. And after almost getting caught in similar trouble (well—not that similar. Ron was once the victim of a Fonzie scheme, but never received justice because the perpetrator couldn't admit he was wra-wra-wrong), Ron’s bullshit detector was on high alert.

But I didn’t listen. Bernie “made off” with all my money.

Thankfully, justice was served yesterday. The scumbag got 150 years. And there’s a silver lining to all of this, which I hope pleases my fellow victims: I’m friends with a lot of dicks who are currently serving time and they have all promised to make a sizable investment in Bernie’s anus.

In the meantime, I’m back to square one. I may not have any money, but every day I look in the mirror and think: “Just look at ya. You’re still young, you’ve got your health, you’re fucking gigantic, you just starred in a feature film, you belong to a great guy, and tonight you’re sampling twins.”

There’s nobody richer.
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