Friday, June 5, 2009

Mail Genitalia

Dear RJ's D,

Have you ever acted in commercials?

Thanks for your question. Back in the 80's, a woman named Clara Peller became a celebrity for the catchphrase she uttered in several Wendys commercials. "Where's the beef?" I wasn't in that commercial. But it catapulted Clara to the national stage when Walter Mondale employed her catchphrase to denigrate Gary Hart in the 1984 Democratic debate. Long story short, when Clara's star had faded, she was too identified with the catchphrase to land other roles. Struggling financially, she found herself reduced to doing the catchphrase in a commercial for KY Jelly. She sits on a series of dildos, angrily exclaiming "Where's the beef?" Then she takes me in and screams, prompting the announcer to say "When you finally find the beef, make sure you have some KY in your buns, too." Sadly, Clara died of a ruptured rectum shortly thereafter.

Hi RJ's D,

Do you write poetry?

When Ron was in college, he started fucking a lot of women for the first time, and, feeling the rush of empowerment, I began scribbling verse inside his various scores. I like to think that on some level of consciousness, they read it. Here's one....

The long arm of the law
Patrolling in your jaw
A preacher in your pulpit
Teste-fy and gulp it
A pipeline through your country
A sappy, happy fun tree
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